Family jokes

Wife: "In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring." 
Husband: "I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill."

One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked, "Why are you home so early?" He answered, "Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class." She said, "Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?" Jimmy replied, "The question was 'Who threw the trash can at the principal's head?'"

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said, "That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas."

Q: Why did Adele cross the road? 
A: To sing, "Hello from the other side!"

Dad: "Can I see your report card, son?" 
Son: "I don't have it." 
Dad: "Why?" 
Son: "I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents."

A mother said to her son, "Look at that kid over there; he's not misbehaving." The son replied, "Maybe he has good parents then!"

Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job? 
A: Because it was soda pressing.

Q: How do astronomers organize a party? 
A: They planet.

A man and a woman are sitting together in the restaurant.
Suddenly the woman smears and says: "Now I look like a pig!"
Then the man: "And you are still smudged !!!"